The Letters of H. P. Blavatsky to A. P. Sinnett

Letter No. 18

Received about September 19th


My dear friends Mrs. and Mr. Sinnett,

I am afraid you will have soon to bid me goodbye — whether to Heaven or Hell — connais pas. This time I have it well and good — Bright's disease of the kidneys; and the whole blood turned into water with ulcers breaking out in the most unexpected and the less explored spots, blood or whatever it may be forming into bags a la Kangaroo and other pretty extras and et ceteras. This all primo brought by Bombay dampness and heat, and secundo by fretting and bothering. I have become so stupidly nervous that the unexpected tread of Babula's naked foot near me makes me start with the most violent palpitations of the heart. Dudley says — I forced him to tell me this — that I can last a year or two, and perhaps but a few days, for I can kick the bucket at any time in consequence of an emotion. Ye lords of creation! Of such emotions I have twenty a day — how can I last then? I give all the business over to Subba Row. In Dec. or Jan. we shift our Headquarters to Madras and so how can I come to Allababad!

Boss wants me to prepare and go somewhere for a month or so toward end of September. He sent a chela here Gargya Deva from Nilgerri Hills, and he is to take me off, where I don't know, but of course somewhere in the Himalayas. Boss is fearfully mad with Hume. He says he has spoilt all his work (!?). But really — miserable as I was and shocked over his stupid and "bumptious" (as you say) letter I was sick for weeks before, and so it is not Hume who did all the mischief but M. is nevertheless black as night over him. Ah well, it is my poor old aunt that I pity the most and — poor Olcott what will he do without me! Well I can hardly write I am really too weak. Yesterday they drove me down the Fort to the doctor — I got up with both my ears swollen thrice their natural size!! — and I met Mrs. Strut and sister — her carriage crossing mine slowly. She did not salute nor make a sign of recognition but looked very proud and disdainful. Well I was fool enough to resent it. I tell you I am very very sick. Yes, I wish I could see you once more and dear Mrs. Gordon and my old Colonel whose "Grandmother" I may meet in some of the lower hells whither I will go — unless I am picked up by Them and made to stick in Tibet.

Well good bye all; and when I am gone — if I go before seeing you — do not think of me too much as an "impostor" — for I swear I told you the truth, however much I have concealed of it from you. I hope Mrs. Gordon will not dishonour by evoking me with some medium. Let her rest assured that it will never be my spirit nor anything of me — not even my shell since this is gone long ago.

Yours in life yet,
H. P. B.

When are you sending your reply to Perfect Way Aren't you going to give a Letter No. III for this. True I have your "Evolution of Man."

Theosophical University Press Online Edition